Pilates and My Fertility Journey

No, this is not a post about how Pilates can make you pregnant because that's not really a thing (or if it is, it's way out of scope of what I offer). However, I have realized how much the practice of Pilates has gotten me through some of the most painful and traumatic moments of my life, including my road through infertility and loss. And when I say practice, I mean that of me as a student and also a teacher. Both offer a kind of emotional stability I don't know how I would survive without.

In January of 2002, I began my teacher training program. I spent most hours of my week studying, practicing, and apprentice-teaching for a full year before my test-out and written exams. Looking back, I am extra thankful for the timing of that. You see, in 2001 I had been struggling with the woes of infertility; so much so that I often found myself in bathroom stalls and corners of stores and in my car in parking lots...sobbing. Sobbing so hard that I could do nothing else in those moments. The pain of infertility is difficult to describe with words alone, because it is a full body-mind-emotion experience beyond measure. It's almost too perfect that my Pilates teaching journey started around that same time because of the intense body-mind-emotion experience that it provides. The stars were aligned.

In December of 2001, I was in a depression. It was holiday time with holiday parties and everyone around me was getting pregnant. It literally felt like everyone. I remember my forced smiles and the lump in my throat and the awkward mumblings when well-meaning people would ask, "When are you going to get pregnant?" At the time, there weren't answers; only tears on my pillow and bathroom rug.

Then came January of 2002 and my first teacher training seminar. I was immediately in awe. I was blessed to have fellow apprentices who became not only my colleagues, but dear friends. I practiced so hard and so often, I impressed myself with the things my body could do. But also, I was feeling better. A lot better. I was still trying to become a mom, but in the meantime there was this amazing gift of this method that I got to teach. It made me feel like a superhero (even though the tests are intimidating AF).

By November of 2002, I was ready for my final test-out with Romana and I passed. I felt proud of myself and stronger. Stronger in a mind-body-emotional kind of way. The timing could not have been more perfect. In January of 2003, I started fertility treatments which shifted the journey down new roads; of complications, pregnancy losses, and new realms of sadness. BUT, I do believe that I was more prepared because of my work to become a Pilates teacher. And the best news ever is that I DID get pregnant and successfully deliver...twice...and have been enjoying my life as both mother and teacher more than I could have ever expected.

To those of you teachers who were with me back then, thank you for the listening ears and fabulous teaser spots. Okay, also the push-through spots and mini-massages. For anyone out there going through fertility challenges, please know that you aren't alone, your feelings are validated, and there are resources available to you, even if you just want to vent. You are seen and you are loved.

Pilates is a beautiful way to process the traumas of life and I am grateful. Grateful in a mind-body-emotional kind of way.

Me with the fabulous Romana Kryzanowska, Michael Levy, and my fellow apprentices.